


Bereavement

by pulangaraw



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-24
Updated: 2009-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-02 05:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulangaraw/pseuds/pulangaraw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He always chooses the past, never the present or the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bereavement

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for the end of Season 4 New Who.

He's alright. Mostly.

But whenever the longing becomes unbearable he sets the TARDIS controls for one of the places he's been to together with her. He's very careful when he adjusts time and place, murmuring softly to his ship, coaxing her to drop him at exactly the right point. Because if she doesn't things could get bad.

He always stays hidden. Watching from the distance. Wincing at his own antics and smiling fondly at her demeanour. Sometimes she surprises him when she deems herself unobserved. There's a fondness in her eyes and a softness in her expression she rarely showed when he was looking.

In a way it makes him feel guilty. But there's already so much guilt weighing down on his shoulders, a little more doesn't make much of a difference. He knows he's being unreasonable and maybe even stupid, but he just can't resist.

Mostly he's fine. He's gotten used to being alone. But sometimes he misses her so much he fears his hearts will stop from the pain of it. That's when he goes. To Oodsphere. To Midnight. To Trassal. Once he almost went to visit Agatha, just to be able to talk about her. But then he remembered that Agatha, too, didn't know him any more.

Every time he sees her it gets a little harder to stay hidden. To not just jump out and into their path – consequences be damned – just so she can roll her eyes at him, exasperatedly. It's funny, he ponders, the first time he met her she didn't even seem that special. He'd never have thought that she, of all people, would come closest to understanding who he is.

But she had. She had been a kindred spirit. He misses the way she'd scoffed and laughed at him. He misses the way she'd looked at the universe and accepted its wonders and terrors, never too afraid to go on. Just like him, she never got tired, never was satisfied. There was always another question to be answered, another place to see.

He sometimes wonders if she still feels that longing. The promise of space and time, of freedom tugging at her heart. He isn't sure if he wishes she does or if he hopes she doesn't. Because he knows that a longing that can't be satisfied just grows over time. He knows that from experience.

He never goes to visit her now. Not even to watch her from afar. He always chooses the past, never the present or the future. Because he fears he won't be able to bear it. He won't be able to stop. But the knowledge and the uncertainty nestle darkly in the back of his mind and they won't let him be.

He often thinks that maybe he should have listened to her. That he should have let her die.

~ ~ ~

When he finally gives in and goes, he has a new face, curly hair and a barely noticeable lisp.

He rings the doorbell and pretends to be an insurance salesman. He isn't sure how much time has passed, but judging from the old man's appearance it can't have been more that a few years for them.

“Donna's dead,” Wilfred says quietly and his knees buckle. He grips the door frame tightly to keep himself from shaking. “Why don't you come in, Doctor?”

He just nods, doesn't even ask how the old man knew it was him. It doesn't matter now.

They sit in the living room, him on one sofa and Wilfred on the other. Just like last time.

They don't talk, just sit there, silently, each wrapped in his own thoughts. At some point the old man gets up and makes them both a cup of tea. They still don't talk. There's nothing to say.

Eventually he gets up. “I should go.”

Wilfred nods and accompanies him to the door.

He steps outside and takes a couple steps before he turns around.

“It was an accident,” Wilfred says before he closes the door. He turns and heads back to his TARDIS.

He's alright. Mostly.

He will never see her again.


End file.
